Update: 2/13/2018

Hey, guys.  I am currently healing and things will hopefully be back to normal soon.  I plan to start blogging when I have 3 consecutive good days.  In case you were wondering, I had to deal with some medical issues.

Right now, I may try to find a volunteer job just to see how I handle things.  My dream job would be to work with animals, if possible.  Let’s see what happens….!

Peace, love and happiness,
Khara

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{ IMPORTANT BLOG }

Hey, everyone.  

I should let you guys know that I shall take a break from blogging.  I have to considering something has come up, and I’m not doing too well.  Medical issues are preventing me from blogging, let alone function with my daily life.  Hopefully, this shall be straightened out by next week, and until then, I’m going to be with my family and my boyfriend, for both take great care of me.

I’ll basically keep you guys in touch with what is going on and MAY explain further as more time passes.

Peace, Love, and Happiness,
Khara

Doing Something Different?

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Okay, so today, I will be doing something different.  I talk about my experiences a whole lot, but I feel as though you guys don’t know a lot about me as a person.  What I’m doing is I’m giving you all until Friday Midnight to leave questions that you want to ask to get to know me.

They can range from my favorite band to mental health to just thought-inducing questions.  I’m serious, please do this. I’m kind of curious as to what you want to know.

Jung Helps Me Process.

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Hi, guys!  I am still kind of struggling with depression and fear, which is reflecting in my conversations with loved ones.  While I have talked about myself having traits of BPD, I have to admit, one of the traits I have is fear of abandonment.  Now, realizing that you have a fear is like riding a bicycle: trial and error.  But once you balance the emotional and logical part, that is when you reach mindfulness.

For me, I haven’t had many mindful moments, but part of me thanks Paganism for some of my coping mechanisms and what I call “Inner Therapist Work.”  The thing I’m talking about Jung’s thoughts about the Shadow Self and Shadow Work.  From what I get, at this point, I ask myself a series of questions and get down to the bare bones of the issue.

Take this conversation I had with my boyfriend.  I was upset, but I totally narrowed down the answers by being like a curious child.  “Why?  Why?  Why?”

I realized that the bare bones of the issue was an insecurity in regards to my traits of BPD.  So, I recognized the issue, addressed it, had a mini panic attack (expressing my emotions about it) and…  Now I’m fine.  It’s weird.  But it works.

Anyways, this technique really works in my opinion, and it would be nice if more people did Shadow Work, mostly because it has made me make strides within the therapy realm.

Peace, Love and Happiness,
Khara

Getting into gaming.

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Okay, so I am back, not exactly full force, but I am back.  I would like to talk about the thoughts I have as a gamer girl.  You know, not the ones who are like “OMG, I love Call of Duty because it’s so popular!”  I am a gamer girl.  The one that concentrates on things, adamant on shooting zombies for sport, and actually knows the difference between PvP and PvE.

Anyways, I have dove farther into the gaming world.  I am becoming a little more serious about this kind of stuff.  So far, I have a Nintendo Switch, and I have an Xbox (let’s face it, Xbox and PlayStation are a little too overrated to me), but I’m getting more and more into gaming on the PC.

But you know what?  I am happy with whatever game you throw at me.  Unless if it’s the Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories; then I shall rage quit.  Anyways, I am enjoying my new hobby, and since I am becoming a little more serious, my boyfriend has said that he will support my habits.  I’m so glad I have someone like him.

Actually, my boyfriend has introduced me into the world of PC gaming, and I realized that it was more of my niche than the actual Xbox One.  Needless to say, I’m thinking about selling it on Amazon or something like that.

Anyways, this is just a short post.  Do you guys play video games? Comment below, especially if you’re a gamer for life.

Peace, Love and Happiness,
Khara

Depression.

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Hey, guys.  Against my better judgment, I will talk about my depression.  I am currently in a depressive mood, and it seems as though no one in my waking life (well, I mean Logan understands, but I don’t want him to see me upset) seems to get me when I say that I am depressed.

I usually go to church, but I’m not going to lie, I haven’t been there in like 3 weeks.  However, I did have excuses for the first 2 weeks: an infection in my jaw, and then anxiety struck me.  But today…  I am really deep into a depression.  My mom, who doesn’t know that I’m spiritual but not religious, keeps blaming it on Satan.  “He’s trying to snare you into his traps,” she says.

What she doesn’t get is that I’ve been down for days, but have been forcing myself to be happier.  This is masked depression, and she doesn’t understand that.  She claims to have been worse off than me, which gives me the impression that she wants to one-up me on the depression scale.  That makes this worse.  It makes me feel as though my depression is invalid.  I don’t deserve to mope around, and people have it worse than me, so what’s the point in even expressing myself?

I hold in tears half of the time.  Part of the reason I’m depressed is because I feel trapped inside of this home.  I feel weird being here.  I don’t want to be here.  I want to be happy, and in a house full of conflict, I don’t feel happy here.

Anyways, this post is venting, but there are reasons as to why I’m posting it.  First of all, my mom does something that thousands of people do in religious backgrounds: she blames an evil force that is trying to tear me away from God.  I’m not praying enough, I’m not going to church, so that means the Devil is living in me.  Secondly, I’m trying to cope with this in a positive way.

Peace, Love, and Happiness,
Khara

Coffee.

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Coffee holds a strong meaning for me. I want to tell you a little bit about why I like coffee.

Picture this: you wake up in the morning in a 2-apartment home. You always smell coffee. But then again, that’s mom’s pot of coffee. It’s too weak for your 15 year-old body. You don’t drink decaf, so you stretch, take care of morning business, and flee to the comfort of upstairs.

Upstairs is where your grandparents live, and in this summer, it is like an initiation to drink caffeinated coffee. Grandma greets you and sets up the pot, then she cooks a nice, southern breakfast. By the time she finishes, the coffee does the same. And she pours you a cup of warmth. A cup… of meaning. You are officially an adult, and nothing can hold you back in this moment.

What people don’t understand about the common cup of coffee is that there’s a lot of brews for every occasion. If you feel sweet, then sip some vanilla. Feeling playful? Get something with a hazelnut twist. I mean, I distinctly remember that I would have Splenda with creamer and that would make me happy. It’s not because of the actual cup of coffee; it’s because it signifies socializing, togetherness, wholeness… it is like a communion in my family.

When I first met Logan, we got a cup of coffee. It was too strong to even enjoy, but we sat around, enjoying the company of each other. It sounds weird, but we bonded over the nasty coffee. It was an ice-breaker, and not just in my life. My uncle and aunt made history when they went out for a cup of coffee. I think it was a sweet thing, to do a cup-of-coffee and chatter date.

Overall…

Coffee is my solitude. It is a reminder that my grandmother has had me internalize as if to say, “I am always with you.” It makes me feel safe. It brings back memories and creates even more. Nothing bad has ever happened over a cup of coffee, at least for me.

That’s my thought for the day, as I’m easing myself back into blogging. I am riding the waves of switching medications, so do not mind this short post.

Peace, love and happiness,

Khara